what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
