I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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