my mouth tastes like poor choices
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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