I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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