Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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