the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
