Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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