You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
