a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
