I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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