They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
