Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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