Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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