No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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