New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
