the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize