The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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