Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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