allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
