Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
