Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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