i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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