I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
oh god was she eating orange peels again
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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