I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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