Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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