I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
