I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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