Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
