Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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