Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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