Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can I color on your dick again?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
