I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
