You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
