I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
