I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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