you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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