Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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