woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I showed him my bush... on skype.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
