Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
