If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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