you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
