i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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