I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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