Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize