Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
