Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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