What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
