Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
