it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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