1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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