We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
