I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
