Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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