Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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