Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we're making bets on your personal life
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
