dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
